Become More Effective With Better Communication Skills

Become More Effective With Better Communication Skills

Roberta M. Helming, Author

As the presidential – and all campaign “seasons” increasingly heat up with each new day, I find myself remembering the lessons I learned while campaigning for four days, including Election Day, for then presidential hopeful Barack Obama in Laconia, New Hampshire in 2008. Every day at the democratic headquarters, I was given a sheet instructing me as to what to say in my campaign phone calls. And every day, I declared that I wouldn’t say that. The sheets were full of negative things to say about the opposing candidates. I wouldn’t say these things at home where I was familiar with the candidates and I wasn’t saying them in New Hampshire.

In the call center where I was volunteering – all around me I could hear campaign workers saying: “You have to vote for Barack Obama” with very little reason of substance to couch their firm “orders.” Had I been a New Hampshire voter, such bossy statements, lacking details about Obama’s plans to help Americans, wouldn’t have endeared me to their plight, sending me running to vote for John McCain.

I just kept thinking that we weren’t going to win the opposing political parties and a tremendous number of undecided voters over to “our” side by telling them what was wrong with their candidate. I believed that our effectiveness in communicating about Obama required us to be willing listeners, which would most likely have brought an open ear and mind from the opposing side.

I firmly believe it’s important for me to remember that how I say things directly affects the response I receive. People react to not only what I say, but also how I say it. Of course, confrontation is an escapable component of human interaction and life, but I work at minimizing them.

Obviously, a discussion can go badly, but it doesn’t have to. I know it’s best not to engage in back and forth negative statements with others. When bringing up an issue that needs to be rectified, I know if I shake my finger at the other person and lecture them on what they did wrong, I should expect a confrontation. Next will come an exchange of loud, forceful words, and nothing will be resolved, as neither side is really listening at that point and nothing positive can come from it.

For me, a better, more effective approach to solving a conflict is to explain how I feel and how what was done or said hurt me. When someone sees that I’m genuinely hurt and they sense that I’m not blaming them directly and throwing accusatory words in their face, more often than not understanding will follow, and the issue is resolved amicably.

In situations of communication, I need to remember and focus on a phrase I have coined, the “first person factor.” It helps others to relax, put their guard down, be less defensive, becoming more approachable and open to hearing what is bothersome to me about what they did or said. Likewise, bringing my guard down and being open to listening to others from their “first person perspective” is more likely to bring a resolution and/or compromise, based on facts, thus avoiding name calling and hurtful statements.

The book that changed my life and had the biggest impact on me with regard to more effective communication is called Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute. When I first looked at the book, I thought it was strictly for professional, office use. Communication however is without a doubt the most important thing we do in a day and hence this book has relevance to everyone. It’s amazing how my quality of life has improved by using the communication tools presented in this book.

Yes, learning proper communication skills has been vital to a happier, less stressful life. Learning to communicate more effectively has taken time and with more time will come more improvements that will further help me in my daily communication endeavors. For me, sticking with it and giving it my best – acquiring new communication tools all the time – has and will continue to be key.

My acquired, effective communication skills have made my world a better place to live.

Copyright 2010 Roberta M. Helming    All Rights Reserved